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:: My Urban Eyes ::

All that I see, and then some.
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:: Monday, October 28, 2002 ::

Dream



Four hours of vision
exchanged with
four hours of night.

(Rough draft--still trying to make it sound better--something is definately off about it.)

(Original concept from a misread of J-kun's e-journal. And who is J-kun? Well, let's just say that if he knows who he is, it will be quite amazing.)

:: Kazen 2:54 PM [+] ::
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:: Sunday, October 27, 2002 ::

Come Back... I'm Calling You Back...



Callbacks today--they went pretty well. Some parts and plays are better for me than others... it always lands that way. I was called back for five different plays, three of which I love, four of which I've never read, two and a half of which I felt comfortable with the part I was reading for. (Don't worry, it's not suppossed to add up.)

The best out of them all--Life in the Trees. It's a comedic play in three acts, each act telling a different story with different characters. I read as Paula, meeting Terry for the first time in two years. They were both in the same therapy group, for a phobia of crowds and public places. Terry has recovered very well in the past two years, and while Paula is better, she has a ways to go. Read the sides and also a monologue. I like Paula--she's a complex character that I can believe and relate to.

The other two plays I think I have a shot for are The Glass Managerie and Death of a Salesman. The Death of a Salesman sides stank, though--being "Girl" I read three lines and then left. I was Laura in The Glass Managerie, though--perfect. There's no way I could pull Amanda off well.

The plays I'm quite sure I won't get cast in--Oleanna (really cool play, but the character doesn't work for me), and Brighton Beach Memoirs (out of the three girls he could've cast me as, he made me the Jewish mother. I was loud enough, but was missing the something he was looking for, I think).

All in all it was a really good experience. I've never done cold readings before (and one of them could be considered ice cold), so doing so many of them in a day was good.

And something else cool--at one point I read with Mr. Kipps from Woman in Black! He looked so different in street clothes that I didn't realize it was him until he started talking. I also saw Actor around, but didn't get a chance to read with him.

That was pretty much my day--waking up, wanting more sleep, getting more sleep, staring bleary eyed at my computer, showering, researching the plays, going to callbacks, then this. Writing in my blog. Keeping myself sane.

And aren't you oh-so-happy for that?

:: Kazen 6:37 PM [+] ::
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:: Saturday, October 26, 2002 ::

To Define



I've been looking through some blogs online... different people use them for different things. Some use them to vent, others to relate funny stories, some to post online quiz results, others to plug their newly patented foot cream. Some people only write in their blogs when they're happy, others only when they're sad, others only when they can't figure out their lives. Some people realize their blogs are completely public, others don't seem to know the fact. Some people use it as a diary, more for themselves than anything. Others address entire sections, explictly or not, to specific people.

So what is my blog to me? It serves several purposes:

1. I must write to stay sane. This is a truth. If I don't write I get confused in the head (that is, more than usual) and I'm unable to deal with people and life. In high school I was lucky to have enough time to write 2.5 pages a day. That was near ideal. Here in college, though, I don't have as much time--most of my writing consists of half pages scribbled during class, half in Japanese so classmates can't read the juicy bits over my shoulder. So, this blog provides another outlet. An outlet for my sanity, I guess. (I think my acting prof said it best--"for some people writing is an essential thing".)

2. It lets you guys, you lucky enough to know my IM through whatever means, peek into my life. It's a good sort of peek, too--I only tell you what I don't mind you knowing. You never have to feel like you're prying. Granted, it makes this writing more guarded than most other writing I do, but it's necessary. And think about it--do you really want to know exactly what I felt like this morning when I woke up at 9:30 am after five hours of sleep with the worst cramps I've had in months? Didn't think so.

3. It serves as a record of my life. I try to keep a little daily journal of what happened... but it falls by the wayside too easily. This blog helps fill in the gaps.

4. Every once in a while I think of something that is cool. Interesting. That I want to share. A blog is a wonderful outlet for a funny stories, lines of poetry, life insights.

5. A blog, I admit, is a bit of an ego trip. This entire page is me. Me. All me, nothing but me. Isn't it neat to have your own little corner of the world, no matter how small it is?

Ah, that's all I can think of for now. Why did I tell you this? ~points at numbers one through five above~

:: Kazen 11:48 PM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, October 22, 2002 ::

"...But Living Words I Cannot Find"



Today was a full and (mostly) fun day--the best bits first.

Auditioned for the Directing Projects... it was the second acting audition I've done in my life, and that's only if the one I did in sixth grade counts. It went very well, I think. I love my monologue (its final line is this entry's title), from Gorky's Enemies.

One of the directors earned major brownie points--as I walked in he said, "This is Karla Butler--Karla with a K". I think it was the first time in my life someone offered the extra information without being prompted, without me saying it. It left me feeling amazing.

Then another director asked how to spell my last name... I guess some of them needed coffee more than others.

Also my Japanese mid-term skit today--success. We all nailed our lines, acted well (not always a requirement when you're being graded on the words), showed off our chopstick skills, and had fun.

The other main event of the day was my test in J, H, and EC...but we don't need to talk about that. Stick to the strengths...


"I thought that as an actress I had solid ground under my feet--that I could reach the heights..."
--Tatiana, Enemies

:: Kazen 8:45 PM [+] ::
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:: Saturday, October 19, 2002 ::

Woman in Black



Ushered the play last night--very very cool. Last year when I ushered I felt like a total outsider... the theatre people talked among themselves and left me out. This year there's a different stage manager, though, and the atmosphere was much better. Even invited me back! Last year barely a mumbled, "Thanks".

The play is great, by the way. It's hard to tell much of the plot without giving much away, but I'll try:

Mr. Kipps has a haunting story to tell, and an urgent need to tell it. He enlists the help of an actor to help him, with a future performance in mind. After a rough start the story starts to come together, maybe too much for the actor's liking...

Eh, that's the basics, anyway. Maybe I'll write more about it after the run is over, as to not give anything away.

Hmm, what else... lots of work this weekend. I'm auditioning for the director's projects on Tuesday--the same day as my Japanese midterm skit and two tests. Last year I remember using my weekends to ichinichi-juu nemasu, sleep all day, but that has gone out the window this semester.

Looking at classes for next semester, too... barely anything is offered in the Planning department that I need! Only one class. So time to work on the minors... I will probably take two theatre classes. Get it out of the way. And Japanese 102, of course. My mom thinks I'm crazy for taking Japanese... but I really, *really* don't care. I'm having too much fun. And I haven't hit a wall yet.

Plus, we haven't done any kanji yet! *Must* get to kanji...

:: Kazen 1:36 PM [+] ::
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:: Wednesday, October 16, 2002 ::

These are Things to Look Forward To



--Seeing your academic advisor, that is, when he is the amazing John Pipkin (9 am tomorrow)
--Getting out of Jews, Hellenism, and Early Christanity (10:05 am tomorrow)
--An exciting dinner with friends (4 pm tomorrow)
--Naps (as often as possible)
--Acting (10:10 am Friday)
--Being done with classes for the week (11:50 am Friday)
--The joy of rain (all the time) (not sarcastic at all)
--Smelling fall for real (~11 am, Saturday)

--Amazing conversations with amazing people (always)

:: Kazen 9:41 PM [+] ::
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:: Monday, October 14, 2002 ::

Kochira wa Kaze-neechan



I found this in my daily writing, from early September. It hit home, so I'm putting it here. Japanese terms defined below.

*

Kaze-neechan wraps herself around me, whispers, "daijoubu yo". She tugs like a toddler at the hem of my pants, but comfortingly, without demands. "I'm here, I'm with you."

If I could only bring you inside with me, neechan, grasp you tightly... maybe then I wouldn't have to grope about for love.

*

kaze--wind, breeze
neechan--older sister
kaze-neechan--sister wind
daijoubu yo--it's alright

:: Kazen 9:10 PM [+] ::
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Somehow, Being Busy is Fun



I wouldn't of thunk it, but it is. It's nice to have something to do all the time. Keeps me out of trouble, I guess. (Not like I get in much trouble in the first place.)

This evening looks to be interesting and fun--my friend Dawn, whom I graduated with, is coming along with a friend for a dining hall dinner. Not quite ichiban ryoori, the best food, but somewhat decent. And the convo will be great, the people she will be meeting will be crazy and drive her nuts--I mean, she'll feel right at home.

Quick realization--yes, I do spout random Japanese from time to time. However, I'm making an effort to include the English translation right after it, so no one is left behind. And who knows, you may end up learning some Japanese, which will be helpful when... something Japanese comes up. Right.

Yesterday morning I had a dream; in it, among other things, someone sung me a lullaby. I got thinking about it--It's been so long since I've been sung to sleep. I forgot how wonderful it is, all warm and safe. No worries or doubts. I don't remember the song, but it sounded like something Danny Kaye or Bing Crosby would've crooned originally. I was leaning against the person, and could feel their voice resonate in their chest... wonderful.

And all of this is very odd, considering I don't actually hear much in my dreams. Voices usually come to me as words of a sort, as if through telepathy. I never see mouths move. The voices are no better than those I hear in my head as I read books, and are rarely even that good. Yet, somehow, I heard and caught the vibes of this song. I'm so glad.

So to you, you who comforted me in my dreams... arigatou, thanks. I needed that.

:: Kazen 12:28 PM [+] ::
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:: Saturday, October 12, 2002 ::

Some Things Just Make Sense



Noted Observation of the Day: there's a Stewart's on Western Avenue--crammed and the cream color so many convenience stores seem to thrive in. The door is a handicap door--over-wide so any sort of wheelchair or motorized scooter (the 3 a.m. infomercial sort) can get through. Fine.

But... this door is at the top of a set of stairs.

I don't get it, either. ~sigh~

:: Kazen 8:32 PM [+] ::
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Three Down, Thirty Five to Go



Well, I feel sorta accomplished--I completed some things. I e-mailed that friend, the anime night worked out, I was actually asleep in bed past 11 am. (If you missed it, I've been having trouble sleeping past nine since I got here--totally un-me.)

Due to the circumstances of last night Jeff's laptop is sitting in my common room... what an amazing opportunity! And Carol left the Fushigi Yuugi DVDs... this may become very interesting...

But there are other things to do, too. Copy some scoresheets for the Rat game. Get elated that I'm going to one of my homes today. Think up and print out a sign. Sleeping more would be good, too... is always good...

Somewhat random: a lot of wondering can cause inner anguish, but can also be the source of speculative joy.

:: Kazen 9:15 AM [+] ::
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:: Thursday, October 10, 2002 ::

...and Starting at the Beginning is the Worst Idea.



Today was decently cool... didn't hold a candle to yesterday, but still cool. Things are starting to get busy, though... it's a dangerous place for me to be. I don't realize I'm stressed until I'm over-stressed--not exactly the best thing. After this weekend, though, things should lighten up. Some. Hopefully.

I feel bad that I keep putting off certain things. E-mailing a dear friend. Grading papers. Studying for that test. (Okay, I feel bad for some things more than others.) The way to stop feeling bad is to actually *do* the stuff... but that takes effort. And I don't feel like expending any effort right now. Sleep is golden.

Tonight I went to the PAC to practice my flute... the walk was much more enjoyable than the work. I love these autumn evenings! (Aki no yuugata?) It's one of the few times I wish I were home, to smell the leaves without any of the concrete getting in the way.

Tomorrow night is Fushigi Yuugi anime night--I can't wait. There are going to be a lot of anime loving people here, with a *huge* order of Chinese food, much loudness, and amazing fun. Being the organizer can be stressful, bit it assures that things get done "right". Being a leader isn't a bad thing. Unless you're a bad leader, I guess.

:: Kazen 9:16 PM [+] ::
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Starting is the Easy Part...



Yup... I gave in and got a blog. I realized that if I had more room in my AOL IM profile, I'd say more. So why not give myself the room?

Not quite sure what this will turn into, or what it will contain, but we'll find out!

Zen Quote of the Day:

"The torch of doubt and chaos, this is what the sage steers by." --Chuang-tzu

:: Kazen 7:38 PM [+] ::
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